At Least They're Committed

Allison has encouraged me to create an emotional armor: a shield to protect myself when needy people come at me with selfish requests; when people with great big gaps in their lives look to me to fill in the missing pieces. I’m working on the armor, but it occurs to me that it might be easier than that; two simple words might suffice: Save yourself.

There’s a reason Stabbing Westward’s “Save Yourself” is my favorite song and has been for many, many years.

“I know you’re life is empty and you hate to face this world alone. You’re looking for an angel, someone who can make you whole. I cannot save you. I can’t even save myself. So just save yourself.”

I’ve now lost two friends. Two friends in one whole lifetime and, guess what, that’s simply fine by me. The first one came down to her being secretly (though she’d tell me when she was drunk) in love with a mutual man-friend who it turns out was more interested in me. Took me a while to figure that one out, but hell, what am I supposed to do about that? He’s a friend. I didn’t even flirt with him. Her feelings and his lack of reciprocation have nothing to do with me.

“I know that that you’ve been damaged, you’re soul has suffered much abuse. But I am not your savior, I am just as fucked as you.”

The second one was more recent. I was ‘unfriended’ by someone who, frankly, friended me in the first place to get closer to another male friend of mine. She was troubled, I was strong; she needed guidance, I was there for her. She unfriended me, or so she said, because she felt like I was “there” for her out of obligation, maybe even an obligation to our guy friend. I laughed and forwarded her dramatic final goodbye to my guy friend. He shook his head. No, no obligation on my part, just putting up with someone who asked for and was given solid advice but refused to use it because it was easier to be a victim. Someone who I knew all along was using me to try to stay close to my guy friend who eventually stopped talking to her. Pathetic. The clincher was when she called me twice, twice one night when she knew that he and I would be hanging out at a work event. I, of course, didn’t answer. I wasn’t about to do that him and I sure as shit wasn’t going to do it to me.

So, yup. I’m soundly relieved. I wish them the best, but they’re not my problem anymore, in fact they never were.

“I cannot save you. I can’t even save myself. You cannot save me. You can’t even save yourself. Save yourself. So just SAVE YOURSELF!”

Sigh. I love that song.