At Least They're Committed

I’m having a Sixth Sense day or something. I forgot my phone at work — so very like me — and was patting myself on the back for surviving the night without it . . . or did I????

On the way back from retrieving my phone at my office, cruising west on 38th with the heavy metal up and the top down (the top, not my top, in case I am alive and Brian sees this), I’ve got the green light as I go through the intersection at Clay. A young woman on a bike streaks through the red light going south on Clay, directly in front of the bumper of the Sebring. I slam on the brakes, quickly glancing up to confirm, yes, I have the green light and she seems to see me and swerves to the right, in between some parked cars. I’m super impressed that my brakes stopped on a few quarters (wouldn’t call it ‘on a dime’). I look at her and she stares past me blankly. As I said, my top was down. She didn’t even apologize or thank me for not turning her into ‘clay’ on Clay. (Bad one.)

Minutes later, driving up Federal, an early 20s-ish guy in a clunky red truck runs the stop sign at the side street, gunning it, he threads past me by inches. Holy shit! WTF?

Close to home, I stop at the grocery store for July 4th and other stuff and there’s a greeter standing in the door. She looks like the backyard girl from Shaun of the Dead and I say “Hello” as I walk past and grab a cart, but she just keeps staring, her jaw slack.

As I’m pushing the cart up and down the aisles, in slow motion for dramatic effect, wondering if in fact I didn’t survive being without my phone and pondering why the afterlife was so much like my before-life, I watch in detached interest as old, fat women waddle down the rows looking through me. I look up to see if there’s a non-flourescent light waiting for me. Nope. Then down to see if there’s something else coming after me. Nope. Phew.

A pleasant looking man rolls past the potato chips, realizes it’s not where he wants to be and does a sharp U-turn in front of me, making eye contact and smiling. “Going ’round in circles!” he says pleasantly. I say, “You and me both.” And we both laugh and I think, well there ya go. I survived the night after all.

Unless he’s dead, too . . .