At Least They're Committed

When first I chatted with Kevin about my overzealous-dudes problem, he said he could understand why people were drawn to me, that he felt my energy, acceptance and openness. It was cool. Anyway, we talked about what we called the “Something About Mary” syndrome, realizing that men thought they were in love with me not because they truly loved me, rather because they loved how I made them feel about themselves. I really, really like men, but maybe because of some of the issues that have arisen I on some level feel like I have to maintain distance or act like “one of the boys.”

Or maybe I’m trying to shock and impress people with my unabridged candor. “Look how tough I am! I’m not shy, I’m not a Twinkie, I am a force to be reckoned with and if I make you uncomfortable, tough shit!” Seems plausible. I’ve come a long way, and perhaps I’ve gone too far.

I started my first stint on the sports desk at the Rocky in 1986 and went home and cried every night. The all-male, seasoned and skeptical sports desk staff were tough on me and the other two clerks. I kept my mouth shut, took the verbal beatings and never let on that it hurt. But, being the chameleon that I am, I evolved. I got attitude. And I fit in. I could be crude; I didn’t spit or any such indelicacy, but man could I swear! Nary a deadline would approach without me shouting out, “fuck this shit!” One of the guys once said, “Remember when Cathy never said anything? Those were the days!” and the desk laughed and I laughed, too. I loved those guys.

So maybe that’s where it started. No matter, this is where it ends. I have had things squared away with the overzealous dudes for about three years now — I realized that I am not responsible for their feelings for me and don’t have to be so sensitive to their feelings — and have regained some semblance of equilibrium.  I don’t want to pull back or push away or be one of the guys anymore, and I am determined not to.

Gawd, self-examination is boring. Think I’ll go back to being Tripping Raul now.