At Least They're Committed

It’s DS’s first day of classes at CU Denver and I’m all excited, but then he forwards an email to me he received from the school saying that they didn’t have my information for the Parent Plus loan and I’ve never heard of this loan so then I’m panicked, thinking that there was something extra I had to do for his FAFSA student loans and that he’s not going to be able to pay for his classes and so then I’m on hold with financial aid and I get on another phone with Darian and I start to sob uncontrollably because I’m so afraid I’ve done something to screw up his education and so the poor kid is trying to calm me down, telling me that he just checked and his tuition is paid and that he’s signed up for direct deposit so the rest of the money should go into his account and so it’s all OK . . . but I can’t stop crying! Twenty minutes go by and even after I get the information from financial aid that indicates that it only meant we were eligible for a parent loan (makes no sense to me as to why a parent would need a loan, though I will be paying his back for him) and that it was different from his regular student loan, I have this cry in my throat and all I have to do is think about it and I fear I’ll start blubbering all over again. And I don’t cry easily. So I’m analyzing slightly and I realize the cry in my throat has been there since this morning as I watched Edisonsblackdahlia walk off into his new high school and as I texted last-minute class changes with DS as he starts at a new college and I feel like I’m sending them both off to kindergarten again. And the thing is, unlike when they were 5, I can’t wonder about their futures because their futures are here and now and I haven’t done enough for them, I haven’t done enough.