At Least They're Committed

I wasn’t sure that I’d know where to start, but I did. I ran my left hand across my lips and started to speak of the morning a week ago last Monday, of when I got the second of the inappropriate texts; the one that made me cry out, sent me into panic and set my already teetering world reeling. What had I done? What had I become? I rattled on to him from there about my friends, my family, my questionable relationships — now in the past — and my fragile state of mind.

I sat in the chair, fidgeting slightly, thoughtlessly rubbing at pieces of tattered, dead flesh on my broken lips. They’ve been this way for weeks.

He was wonderful. A good listener, non-judgemental, kind, beautiful; his mom’s name is Kathy and she’s part of the reason he’s in this field. I spilled everything, well, everything I could possibly spew at him in an hour. . . which was quite frankly more than I imagined I’d ever have time for.

Between confessions, as he spoke to me, I’d rub my lips — perhaps a slight outward indication of anxiety or nerves. Inwardly, I was rejoicing because he honestly got me and he honestly liked me.

Turns out I’m not so sick. In fact, I’m not sick at all. It’s perfectly OK for me to imagine myself walking along Cherry Creek, wrists exploded, blood coursing down my legs and pooling on the sidewalk with each failing heartbeat, each step, walking, walking until there’s nothing left in me, then collapsing in death. It’s fine for me to talk in third person as a male alter ego as a defense mechanism and to talk to angels. He says I’m intelligent, creative, imaginative and these are healthy outlets for me in the world I’m living in.

Oh, there’s work to be done! Definitely. He’s helping me — once a month. He’s already helped me a lot. How the weight on my soul has been lifted! I am sane!

He made me not only feel better about myself; he made me feel good about myself. I’m still in awe. I feel, well, happy! And as I drove away, smiling and filled with hope, I ran a finger across my lips. Full, soft, smooth, debris free.  Happy.